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I made a pot of coffee and made breakfast and took my time eating as I read yesterday’s paper. All the curtains were open and the day was as hot and sunny as yesterday had been. When I was done eating I stayed at the table in only my boxers and had more coffee. I thought about work, about stuff that needed doing at the shop this week, and I thought about Colleen and the things we had talked about the night before. I felt bad for her, because I surely knew what she was feeling and thinking, yes I certainly did. When Heather and I first broke up, once I got over the shock of my marriage imploding, I was scared shitless that I was never going to get laid again — damaged goods, and who the hell wanted that? Not that getting laid was the only loss I felt, of course, although it was a big one — the sex had been the only part of the marriage that had worked well and we fucked often and variously and a guy got used to that kind of action pretty easily — Heather liked sex and she was just. I couldn't live without Dawn. She was my Siamese twin until we were ten. She was my partner in exploration every summer since then. And I absolutely COULDN'T live without her in my life. I LOVED her.But what if I fucked it up?"Ben?" Dawn asked with deep concern in her voice. Clearly, I wasn't having the reaction she'd been expecting. "Are you okay?" I can't," I croaked."What?" I can't be with you," I nearly started crying.Dawn's face fell and her lower jaw immediately started quivering. "Why not?" Because ... I'll screw it up ... Always have..." I stammered and looked away, the tears bubbling out of my eyes as I simultaneously wanted to push myself away from Dawn and yet clutched her even more tightly to my body."Ben, Ben," Dawn soothed and stroked my head. "Do you love me?"Sniffling already, I winced and managed to croak, "I shouldn't." But do you?" Yes..." I could feel my heart cracking. "Always have. Always will. But I'll still betray you. The same ... weakness ... I had with.
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